Death and His Scared Friends

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cross on a hill
Fuji XTRA 400 x CD-R King

Death can be such an awkward, scary, and interesting topic to talk about. Some people also think it's taboo. It's something so abstract yet concrete at the same time. We are very familiar with it and it can also be a stranger at times. Oh, such is death.

A few hours earlier on our way home from a fashion shoot, most of the team talked about recent murders and deaths. One of the makeup artists scolded me for nonchalantly joking about my death. During the shoot, I joked about my soul being called (in a nearby chapel that's having a novena or a mass). They said that when you do joke about your death, you should take it back right away or else it will come to you.

I've never been the kind of person who believes in superstition. I've always been rational. That time, however, my heart beat fast which was strange. I then tried to rationalize that bit of fear I had.

Of prayers in yellows and reds
Centuria DNP 400 x CD-R King

Truth is, I've never been afraid of death. Back in my first few years in college, I struggled with my low self-esteem and suicidal tendencies. I wanted to die young because I was afraid to feel the whirl of emotions we all go through with life. I had this elaborate plan of dying that nobody knew about. I even had a core group of other girls who were struggling with their suicidal tendencies. We helped each other out and we cried on afternoons in the school campus when nobody was around. Now, we're all leading our own lives and have escaped that endless phase.

Earlier this year, I thought I was going to die but I felt so emotionless about it. I was hospitalized and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with me. Every day I was put through different tests and they still couldn't figure it out. I couldn't breathe and couldn't sleep. My parents were panicking but I never gave a damn. I was more worried about my expenses. Other patients in my ward were dying (really!). I cried every night. I didn't fear for my life but it hurt knowing families will be mourning.

Balete branches
Centuria DNP 400 x Konica C35

That fear earlier during the trip home was a shocker, especially for someone like me who has been casual with death. I'm not afraid of death. I'm more afraid of leaving my loved ones without security. I'm not scared of dying, but more of not passing through life without peace.

As a rationalize this fear in my head right now, I know I've led a good life. Although I'm never good with expressing my feelings, but I love my friends and family deeply.  Right now, I don't have regrets for the decisions I've made. I only have hope for the future that's yet to come and maybe of death that we'll all face in due time.