Confessions of a Bullied Girl

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Bullying was always something you would see in a foreign movie. Nerdy kids being bullied by the jocks and the popular kids. That's always typical in an American film. I never thought that it would happen in real life (in the Philippine setting) or that it would happen to me.

I used to be bullied a whole lot in school and because of a variety of reasons: because I have curly hair, because I am "dark," because my family name is funny, because I don't know how to dance, and because I was smart. I was bullied by boys, girls, and even by an entire class. They would call me names, laugh at me, and talk behind my back. However, they all pretend to be friends with me afterwards. This made me even more angry.

Being bullied by all of my classmates because I was the top of the class, probably was the most unforgettable bullying experience I ever had. When the teacher was gone, they would all call me names and tell me that I was worthless. They would all laugh at me. This lasted a few months until at some point I was already rank two. After that, they stopped.

Only one person stood by me and defied our entire class, that was my bestfriend. It's kind of funny how they tried to persuade her against me, but she just wouldn't. I thank her for keeping me sane all throughout that ordeal. She and that experience were the reasons why I got into writing. I wrote about that experience and submitted it to our school paper's adviser and that started it all.

All throughout grade school and in the later part of my high school, I was bullied. Oftentimes, they pretend to be friends with me, but I just know who they really are. I play along with their pretend niceness, but at the back of my head I know everything they've been saying.

Sometimes you'd think that bullying only happens in school. However, it's prevalent at work. People think bullying is only limited to aggression or verbal abuse. However, emotional or psychological abuse is also a form of bullying.

Being bullied is one of the reasons why I have trust issues. I don't trust people right away. Trust can be a long process for me and it's something that I give sparingly. I also have this tendency to stay away from people after being close to them. I'm afraid that people will leave me so I choose to leave them first and save myself from the pain.

Bullying has also led me to become hateful and vengeful. I can't forgive people right away. I always remember the pain and the misery brought about by those instances and the people who bullied me. This is also the same to those people who have hurt me. To be honest, I've never forgiven any one of them. This hate is the reason why I'm workaholic at times. I just want to focus on success, on my career, on my future. Oftentimes, this mentality helps me cope with all the disappointments and pain in my life. The more I focus on myself, the more I am able to control all the hurt that I've gone through.

Sometimes I wish I can be comfortable in my own skin without worrying about all the bad things people say about me. I need to remind myself that in bullying, nothing is wrong with the victim. Oftentimes, it's the offender who has problems.